Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Leap of faith that feels more like a cliff jump of terror

I started working for the Healthy Families program six and a half years ago. A newlywed who had just graduated with my bachelors in social work- I was young and naive and ready to save the world one family at a time.

Working for Healthy Families has fulfilled me more than I ever could've known. I like to think I've grown up while working there. I finished grad school, had 2 babies, and entered management during my tenure but what helped me grow the most was the persepctive on life and family that I gained. I've been humbled and taught true gratitude from walking into the homes of so many different families.

I considered myself a "Healthy Families Lifer" and thought I'd be there forever. I knew it took me away from my own family, but found solice in knowing I was helping other families. I believe I was placed in the lives of specific families because we had something to offer each other at that time.

But I've had a nagging feeling that I've tried to shake and just can't. The feeling that it's someone else's turn; someone else should be doing the work I'm doing -and that I am needed somewhere else.

After many sleepless nights, I've resigned my position and will be trying something new. Something that I'm hoping will offer even more fulfillment, although admittedly, I'm not sure it will. But I do know it will have a lasting and far reaching impact. I'm committing myself to my home, to the husband who's starting grad school, and to the 2 little boys that need me most.

I'm less afraid of being a stay at home Mom, and more afraid of losing my identity. I'm not just leaving a job; I'm leaving ME. My biggest struggle is going to be rearranging- figuring out how else to identify myself.

I can't think of too many other times where I've simultaneously experienced so much fear and so much excitment. I avoided making this decision for a long time based on fear. But now, excitement wins out most of the time.

I'm excited to teach my children and want to try to experience life from their perspective.

I hope to strengthen friendships. Be available. Offer service.

It's going to be a journey, we'll see how it ends.


Lorinda said...

I am excited for you! It will definitely be an adjustment and will take some time as all such changes do. But don't worry too much about losing your identity...your job isn't who you are; it's what you feel passion for and just because you are choosing to stay home doesn't mean you'll stop caring about helping families, you'll just find different and (unpaid) ways to do it! Plus you will discover wonderful (okay... maybe not all wonderful)surprises being at home with your cute boys! Congratulations!

Keeping Up w/ the Rupps said...

I think it is SO great that you HAVE been able to make a difference. A difference in the world as a whole but also touching the lives of so many families. If you have been feeling like it's time to "be replaced" I highly doubt Heavenly Father will let you off the hook that easily. I'm sure he has even bigger plans for you. As for as identifying yourself, I think I never really got the chance to do that on my own but I know that I have grown and learned so much about myself by being home with Kohen (and of course being a mom in general) that I couldn't have learned elsewhere. I rarely have a "bored" moment. There always seems to be much to do even with just the three of us. So I'm sure they'll put you to good work too. Now you can be a cheerleader for your all your boys :)

Shannon said...

Yeah! That's great Christy!!! It takes courage to jump off a cliff:) I know that can be a hard choice to make but it will be well worth it. It's an adventure for sure but it's with the people you love the most. I absolutely love staying at home with my kids and that has been a process. We have our good days and bad days(just like anything) but overall I really enjoy it. Adjustments take time but if anything, you'll discover a different side of you that will strengthen you and your family.
I didn't know that Mark was in school. What degree is he persuing?

Bianca said...

Christy! I am very excited for you! I can't imagine dropping everything you have worked so hard for your whole life for to be "home".. I feel like I was standing on the cliff with you and now I watched you jump and I'm waiting for my turn to be ready, eager and scared to take the plunge!
I know you will have lots of things to keep busy with. Nurturing and being there for your children's development is the most important thing in the world. It has taken me 30 years to realize how instrumental mothers are in the home. It is no small task that's for sure.
I'm definitely feeling the pull towards being home also and I can not wait until that day comes. I'm eager to hear your adventures! See you Friday!