Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Leap of faith that feels more like a cliff jump of terror

I started working for the Healthy Families program six and a half years ago. A newlywed who had just graduated with my bachelors in social work- I was young and naive and ready to save the world one family at a time.

Working for Healthy Families has fulfilled me more than I ever could've known. I like to think I've grown up while working there. I finished grad school, had 2 babies, and entered management during my tenure but what helped me grow the most was the persepctive on life and family that I gained. I've been humbled and taught true gratitude from walking into the homes of so many different families.

I considered myself a "Healthy Families Lifer" and thought I'd be there forever. I knew it took me away from my own family, but found solice in knowing I was helping other families. I believe I was placed in the lives of specific families because we had something to offer each other at that time.

But I've had a nagging feeling that I've tried to shake and just can't. The feeling that it's someone else's turn; someone else should be doing the work I'm doing -and that I am needed somewhere else.

After many sleepless nights, I've resigned my position and will be trying something new. Something that I'm hoping will offer even more fulfillment, although admittedly, I'm not sure it will. But I do know it will have a lasting and far reaching impact. I'm committing myself to my home, to the husband who's starting grad school, and to the 2 little boys that need me most.

I'm less afraid of being a stay at home Mom, and more afraid of losing my identity. I'm not just leaving a job; I'm leaving ME. My biggest struggle is going to be rearranging- figuring out how else to identify myself.

I can't think of too many other times where I've simultaneously experienced so much fear and so much excitment. I avoided making this decision for a long time based on fear. But now, excitement wins out most of the time.

I'm excited to teach my children and want to try to experience life from their perspective.

I hope to strengthen friendships. Be available. Offer service.

It's going to be a journey, we'll see how it ends.