Sunday, March 18, 2012

Enquiring minds want to know...

I'm lucky that I have so many supportive people around me that are willing to listen. I'm definitely a person that has to process my thoughts outloud (I can never come to decisive conclusion in my head). So each time I get asked about my adjustment to being a stay at home Mom I learn a little bit more about myself.

The simple answer is, I'm enjoying it. I love the amount of time I'm spending with my kids. I love all the ways I'm able to serve my family (and friends) that I wasn't really able to before. I feel like there's a lot more peace in our home. Things are just simple now, and seem to make sense. Surprisingly, (I mean AMAZINGLY) I don't miss my job too terribly much.

(the old office)

So even though I'm happy, and the family is happy- it's still an evolutionary process. Being a Mom is hard (that's a generic understatement, I know.) I've decided that the reason it's so hard is because it requires such a high level of emotional investment.

A month ago, I was split in half. I had this half of me that gave me a sense of accomplishment. I will (not so humbly) admit, that I was good at my job. I was effective, I received a lot of praise, and I was respected. That assurance carried me... pretty much all of me.

Now, all I have to focus on is my parenting. I feel very one dimensional and I've become my own worst enemy. I am constantly mulling over mundane decisions about what the best parent would do... what's the best response, the best defense, the best way to teach, and what I spend the most time freighting over is what's the best use of our time (I'm constantly worried about missed opportunities that are passing me by.) And I'm driving myself crazy! I attribute every tear, tantrum, and misbehavior to my parenting.

I feel a bit like a fish out of water. Which is surprising to me; something I didn't expect considering I'm not new to being a Mom- just new to having it be my only identity. I've received so much training that I know all the textbook answers but I'm missing something. I can't put a word to what it is I'm missing; although I wish I could. It's the part of you that can just let go and do it! Just do it. That's what I need to do. I need to stop thinking about how my kid will be emotionally effected in the long term over how I enforce the rules of High Ho Cherry-o. I need to stop trying to measure my success and stop looking for ways to check off boxes of accomplishment.

As always, easier said than done. I'm open to any feedback, advice, perspectives you have! Please tell me I'm not alone!