(another Jana picture)
Pregnant, I could not think about Parker's reaction to us having a baby without crying. Casual conversations would turn very serious when people would ask, "How do you think Parker will like being a big brother?" To avoid the embarassing waterworks, I would respond by talking about what I was doing to try to prepare him.
If you were my Mom or my sister you would've gotten the honest answer. "I feel like I'm losing my little boy. He's gonna hate me. I don't want our relationship to change."
And if we were going deep, I would talk about how not only was I afraid Parker wouldn't love his brother, but that I wouldn't love his brother as much as I love him. To all those who tried to convince me I would love my second as much as I love my first... I owe you an apology. I take back my eye rolls and the belief that you must not love your oldest like I love Parker.
It is true; you can love them both.
Jared Day One- Parker, out of the blue, asked to hold him. Man did this moment make my heart soar! He had never before shown any interest in babies- but his brother! He wanted to hold his brother!
Parker has done pretty well adjusting to his big brother role. First week was a little shaky- couple of potty accidents, stubborn willfulness, general uncooperativeness. Pretty predictable. What I didn't predict is that he would actually be nice to the baby. Granted, he doesn't pay him a lot of mind, but when he does give him attention, he's soft and talks nicely to him. Quite the difference from how he's treated other babies.
My Mom told me before we had Jared that "somehow they know when it's family". Yesterday Parker walked into our room pointed to Jared and said, "Look. There's momma's baby." Talk about a zinger to the heart. I guess Parker's not my baby anymore. How come it's not "our baby" or "Daddy's baby"? It's gotta be "momma's baby".
So yes, while you can love them both there's a level of guilt I'm working on managing. I am literally grieving the time I used to have with Parker, but then feeling guilt for feeling such bliss when with Jared. I miss the other when I'm with one. I wonder about things- like how the other's emotional development is going to be stunted because I must divide my attention.
This is normal right? To over-think these situations?