Monday, April 25, 2011

Is or was...

Parker is a Momma's boy. Is or was? I don't know... I'm not entirely sure where we stand.

Parker pre-brother.
(another Jana picture)

Pregnant, I could not think about Parker's reaction to us having a baby without crying. Casual conversations would turn very serious when people would ask, "How do you think Parker will like being a big brother?" To avoid the embarassing waterworks, I would respond by talking about what I was doing to try to prepare him.

My honest answer would've been, "He'll hate it. He doesn't like babies. If they come near me, he hits them, pushes them... does whatever while screaming, 'Not your momma! My momma!"

If you were my Mom or my sister you would've gotten the honest answer. "I feel like I'm losing my little boy. He's gonna hate me. I don't want our relationship to change."

And if we were going deep, I would talk about how not only was I afraid Parker wouldn't love his brother, but that I wouldn't love his brother as much as I love him. To all those who tried to convince me I would love my second as much as I love my first... I owe you an apology. I take back my eye rolls and the belief that you must not love your oldest like I love Parker.

It is true; you can love them both.

Jared Day One- Parker, out of the blue, asked to hold him. Man did this moment make my heart soar! He had never before shown any interest in babies- but his brother! He wanted to hold his brother!

Parker has done pretty well adjusting to his big brother role. First week was a little shaky- couple of potty accidents, stubborn willfulness, general uncooperativeness. Pretty predictable. What I didn't predict is that he would actually be nice to the baby. Granted, he doesn't pay him a lot of mind, but when he does give him attention, he's soft and talks nicely to him. Quite the difference from how he's treated other babies.

My Mom told me before we had Jared that "somehow they know when it's family". Yesterday Parker walked into our room pointed to Jared and said, "Look. There's momma's baby." Talk about a zinger to the heart. I guess Parker's not my baby anymore. How come it's not "our baby" or "Daddy's baby"? It's gotta be "momma's baby".

So yes, while you can love them both there's a level of guilt I'm working on managing. I am literally grieving the time I used to have with Parker, but then feeling guilt for feeling such bliss when with Jared. I miss the other when I'm with one. I wonder about things- like how the other's emotional development is going to be stunted because I must divide my attention.

This is normal right? To over-think these situations?


Stuart and Nicole said...

Aw! I'm so glad you posted this because I've felt the same way when thinking about having another baby. (Not that it'll be too soon) I haven't wanted him to have to grow up too fast because I'm pushing him along or don't have the same quality time. Funny, I was just thinking today about how could I possibly have any more room in my heart for another baby when I already love him SO much it hurts!

Evaly said...

haha- I overthink everything- just ask Nathan :) I always feel a little sad when a new baby is about to come, it definitely moves the older one out of the "baby" slot. But, it's always better than I think it will be and then we can't imagine life without the new addition! Honestly, it's good for the older ones to get a little push toward growing up. It makes them stronger and more independent. I don't think it stunts their growth- it's an opportunity for growth! And you are giving them the best gift- a sibling to spend hours playing with! Although, meeting the emotional needs of additional kids is a constant balancing act and one of the hardest things for me. But I think it can be done, it just takes work! I think it is harder when you have larger age gaps though. Kylie had the hardest time and I think it's because she was 2 1/2 when Meg was born. She was old enough to know she was getting bumped! Good luck :)

Lorinda said...

What a sweet post...I once had those feelings too...the guilt, the worry, the wondering...but when Mark came (and the Evaly was past the initial shock of me holding another baby) it was all just fine. In fact better than fine, it was wonderful! Love all my children more than they will ever know until they all have their own little ones.

Bianca said...

I was so dissapointed when I found out that our second was a girl. I was really upset for a long time and when she finally came I fell in love with her.

James and I get along the best and Madison is definitely a daddy's girl. It's funny how as they grow older they are more like one parent.

I love them both equally but I must say James is my favorite. And maybe it's because I understand him the best, or that I've known him the longest, I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe it's bad to say you have a favorite but I'm saying it...

You might go through a phase where you feel completely guilty for devoting all your time to the little baby. But they won't remember that and Parker knows you love him.