The Day I Thought My Heart Would Burst

Sunday morning I couldn't sleep. I was up at 4:30 in the morning baking cookies. I was misty eyed thinking about what a special Mothers Day this was.

Mark and I had both of our mother's in town; and both of our sister's that are mothers. I can't remember the last time we spent Mothers Day with any of our family.

It was Parker's 3rd birthday- the little boy who made me a Mom. And we were blessing my newest little boy- and hallelujah! he would be blessed with a name that I thought suited him... Benjamin Adam.

It was my favorite Mother's Day to date. Thank you to all my family members that made it so special!

Mark's family who came from California.

My sister's family- they're in Maricopa. My only local family.

My parents came from Texas.

Mr. Wonderful

One lucky and proud mamma!

the song that never ends

"Now I know my a, b, c's, d, e, f, g........."

Blogging Tradition

When a blogger has a baby it is their duty to introduce their baby to the blogging world thru birth story sharing. I'm pretty sure this is written in Google's "terms of agreement".

Jared Ardis on his Birthday

How do you find words for an experience that pairs the most physical intensity with the most emotional intensity you will ever experience? It took 11 pages of my journal to express my thoughts and feelings of Jared's birth.

So I've decided we're going to do fulfill this duty FAQ style. It's easy- conversations post baby are all the same. My answers have been rehearsed a million times.

How did labor go? This the most common FAQ but also the most difficult. I don't know how to respond. All the answers I come up with are inadequate to describe an experience like labor and delivery. Lets go with... "good? normal? intense? amazing?" My midwife says it was "boring" and "easy" because it was so "completely textbook". Her words. Definitely not mine.

How long was labor? 8 hours if you do not count the completely irregular contractions I had the whole day before labor actually started. Which I don't. 8 hours- starting at 7:00 pm and ending at 3:00 am.

Did everything go okay having him at home? Just as planned! The midwife and her assistant showed up about 4.5 hours into labor. Three and a half hours later Jared was here. And within three hours from that point the midwives had cleaned the house and were gone.

Did you have a water birth? No. But I did labor in water. I knew I wouldn't deliver in the water. Water births gross me out. I hope at some point I can get over my unwillingness to sit in water that is filled with "delivery fluids". I've had a baby on a bed, a baby on a birthing stool, and it seems like a birthing tub is the next natural place... segway to next question.

Then where did you have him? Sitting on a birthing stool in my living room. This is the type of birthstool I sat on. Doesn't look comfortable but when you're in labor the oddest things are comfortable. It was actually like heaven! But it's easy to be in heaven when you've just experienced labor and get to enjoy the relief of pushing.

How long did you push? 15 minutes. May this child be blessed.

How big was he? 9 pounds 21.5 inches

Best moments of labor/delivery? No one's ever asked this but they should, even though it's obvious.... Meeting my son. I saw him come out, the midwife and I grabbed him at the same time, I stood up, took him to my bed and cradled him for 2 hours before the midwives started checking him out. He never made a peep, just quietly looked around, looked at me, looked at his Dad, nursed like a champ. I had been given an angel!

The best part about meeting him though was that all my anxiety about having two kids was relieved as soon as I saw him. (You read my previous post?) About 3 hours into labor my Mom and Parker left to go to my sister's house and when they walked out the door I started crying. I was telling Mark that I wanted Parker to come back, I missed him and I didn't want things to change, things will never be the same, maybe we should've waited longer to have another, etc. etc. etc. Mark was very smart about handling this... listened and gave a priesthood blessing.

But when I saw Jared it was instantaneous- I knew he was our little brother and he was supposed to join our family right now. I knew him already, and I had the very distinct impression that he and Parker knew each other too. (How can anyone who's had a baby deny the Plan of Salvation?) I just kept saying, "It's you. It's you." I was so happy to know my baby and to be reminded that Heavenly Father's plan is a great plan, and it was unfolding just as it should. He really is aware of us. I needed this moment.



The second best moment of my labor was when the midwife walked into our bathroom and said, "Whoa Christy you really have been nesting." Music to my ears! When she walked out, "That bathroom is like spotless". It felt really good to have some acknowledgment and praise. You know how everyone cleans their house before having a baby? Imagine if you're actually having a baby IN your house. Yeah, you're fanatical.

Labor and delivery "out-takes": I was in that period of transition, sat up out of the water, looked at Mark and said, "I'm worried. I'm not having any fun." Mark looked so confused, "I don't think you're supposed to be having fun."

And we also laugh about how I angrily kept telling the midwife to "hush" and "stop it" when she would try to coach me thru those last few contractions. And how I dramatically asked her to "Get a knife and cut this baby out." Thankfully, at that point, it was time to push and we avoided that.

Three hours postpartum- Midwives from Sunrise Midwifery as they were about to leave.

By the way... Jared's precision is amazing. Born on his exact due date, at exactly 3:00 am, weighing exactly 9 pounds... we're expecting GREAT things from him.

Is or was...

Parker is a Momma's boy. Is or was? I don't know... I'm not entirely sure where we stand.

Parker pre-brother.
(another Jana picture)

Pregnant, I could not think about Parker's reaction to us having a baby without crying. Casual conversations would turn very serious when people would ask, "How do you think Parker will like being a big brother?" To avoid the embarassing waterworks, I would respond by talking about what I was doing to try to prepare him.

My honest answer would've been, "He'll hate it. He doesn't like babies. If they come near me, he hits them, pushes them... does whatever while screaming, 'Not your momma! My momma!"

If you were my Mom or my sister you would've gotten the honest answer. "I feel like I'm losing my little boy. He's gonna hate me. I don't want our relationship to change."


And if we were going deep, I would talk about how not only was I afraid Parker wouldn't love his brother, but that I wouldn't love his brother as much as I love him. To all those who tried to convince me I would love my second as much as I love my first... I owe you an apology. I take back my eye rolls and the belief that you must not love your oldest like I love Parker.


It is true; you can love them both.
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Jared Day One- Parker, out of the blue, asked to hold him. Man did this moment make my heart soar! He had never before shown any interest in babies- but his brother! He wanted to hold his brother!

Parker has done pretty well adjusting to his big brother role. First week was a little shaky- couple of potty accidents, stubborn willfulness, general uncooperativeness. Pretty predictable. What I didn't predict is that he would actually be nice to the baby. Granted, he doesn't pay him a lot of mind, but when he does give him attention, he's soft and talks nicely to him. Quite the difference from how he's treated other babies.

My Mom told me before we had Jared that "somehow they know when it's family". Yesterday Parker walked into our room pointed to Jared and said, "Look. There's momma's baby." Talk about a zinger to the heart. I guess Parker's not my baby anymore. How come it's not "our baby" or "Daddy's baby"? It's gotta be "momma's baby".

So yes, while you can love them both there's a level of guilt I'm working on managing. I am literally grieving the time I used to have with Parker, but then feeling guilt for feeling such bliss when with Jared. I miss the other when I'm with one. I wonder about things- like how the other's emotional development is going to be stunted because I must divide my attention.

This is normal right? To over-think these situations?

Jared is One Month Old

But doesn't he look like a sweet balding old man in this one?

Yesterday was the day of the blue sweater vests at church.

I was buying these Easter outfits when I went into labor with Jared.

I was at the mall trying to get some regular contractions going, and when we got to Carters at 7:00 pm. I had a contraction that "got my attention"; trying not to get my hopes up, I kept casually browsing while timing them. Five minutes apart and lasting 30 seconds... I was checking out at 7:45 and had a contraction that had me leaning on the counter and my eyes watering. It was time to go. (You should've seen the look on the young cashier's face- "Uh... they didn't train me for this." She was worried.)

Boys... a sigh of relief

Parker's been couped up a lot, he needed to burn some energy and it's too hot for the park ... all my excuses for filling my waffle fry and lemonade craving. Little did I know, I would be so intrigued by the happenings within the Chick-fil-A play place that I haven't been able to stop thinking about our lunch outing all afternoon.

A set of three siblings entered the play place and I smiled when I saw them because they. looked. good. The boys had on boat shoes, plaid shorts, collared shirts, were sporting faux hawks (admittedly, the hawks are cute on little boys but I do have opinions on standards of modesty for boys so my boys will never have them.) Their older sister had gold blingy sandals, rolled up denim shorts, and aviators propped up on her head. She looked like a diva and had the sass to match.

She made friends with each girl that came in, and then moments later each new friendship dramatically ended. I couldn't help but relish in the fact that I had two boys. Ah the ease... I was quite the bossy, emotional filled little girl myself. And I imagine having a daughter who is the same way will only bring out that side of me. I think I'm a better fit for sons.

So as I'm thinking of all the reasons I'm glad Heavenly Father gave me two boys, this said little girl walks by and I notice she's not a natural blonde! And those are some quality highlights! Professional, for sure! When her nanny walked out of the play place I asked her how old she was. "Six". I about fell off the bench. No worries though, I played it cool.

"You're hair is really pretty."

"I straightened it today."

Really? Really! Really?. Who's teaching this girl about beauty? It's terribly sad, that she's six and she woke up thinking, "I need to straighten my hair today. Are my roots showing?"

When/if I have a daughter how am I going to convince her beauty isn't highlights, bling, and aviators? Especially when I myself smiled and took note of how adorable this girl was when she walked into the play place completely owning it.

I'm totally spooked by these six-year-old's highlights. Please tell me my boys will be ignorant to this definition of beauty until they're at least 25. I don't want them being seduced in grade school by highlights and trendy clothing.

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Jared and Parker- may they always be this easy

An Attitude of Gratitude

I am grateful for sleeping on my stomach. Standing up without the need for leverage. A bladder that holds all night. Slouching. No more congestion. Non-maternity jeans. Wearing shoes other than my tennis shoes. No more weekly appointments with midwives or chiropractors. No more small talk with every person I meet with all the same questions. And so much more.(Picture taken by Jana- 36 weeks)

Some people love being pregnant. I am not one of them. Nine months is entirely too long. The anticipation kills me. I hate surprises. Once I decide I'm ready to have a kid, I am ready to have it. I don't want to wait.

I am definitely grateful not to be pregnant anymore. But I am most grateful for a body that is able to create and sustain life. (Seriously... think about it. That is AMAZING. We're all little miracles.) I am grateful for the strength I have to endure labor and delivery. I am grateful that both my pregnancies and deliveries have been complication free with no room to complain... except for that the anticipation KILLS me.

Some humor for you-

Every time I caught a glimpse of myself this day I thought I looked like the latest wife to join the show Sister Wives.

I will not be saving this maternity shirt or pairing plaid with this hair style ever again.

I was 39 weeks in this one.