First time for everything

Today I did something I've never done before- I bought salt and pepper shakers.

Mark and I have been married 8.5 years and we've never owned salt and pepper shakers. I could never commit to any. It's crazy to me that the set I finally buy is plain, simple, and in practically every restaurant in this country. 

Eight and a half years before spending $4 on salt and pepper shakers... Pathetic. I know.

I think a big move is worth a new blog post on a poorly neglected blog, right?

We hadn't told Parker where Mark had gone, because we know how he carries anxiety.  But Parker can't not notice what's going on around him and asked, "Where's Dad?" And of course simple answers never suffice for Parker.  So when I said, "He's in Texas."  He wanted to know what Mark was doing in Texas.  When I told him he was interviewing for a job, so we could possibly move to Texas, Parker excitedly proclaimed:

"Yay!  I get to live by Grandpa! And Savanah!
I get to have a new primary!
I want a house with stairs!
And I'm gonna get a new backyard!
I hope they don't have swim lessons in Texas. Do they have swim lessons in Texas?
But Mom, I don't want a new kindergarten.  I want to stay with my friends in kindergarten."

This is why we don't tell him things.  He runs with it.  And then fixates on it.  Between that conversation and the time we moved Parker came up with many plans on how he could stay in his same kindergarten class.  Something along the lines of:

"Airplanes go really fast. They could take me to kindergarten every day.  I could go to the airport really early in the morning, because I'm five now and can fly on an airplane by myself........ hmmmm, what if the airplane is late?  And I miss the second bell?  If I'm late a lot, they'll kick me out.  I know.  Maybe my friends can move to Texas!  Yeah!  That's a great idea!"

I could tell Parker was split exactly half way down the middle.  Half nervous/stressed and half excited.  Whenever he talked about it, he sounded excited, but then would usually throw up afterwards.

Ben's been nothing but a mess since the first box got packed.  Totally reverted on potty training, barely sleeping through the night, and started tantruming over EVERYTHING.  Of course he didn't have any idea what was going on but anytime he saw me packing a box he'd say, "No like Texas!  No go to Texas house!" 

Now that I type that, it seems he understood more than I gave him credit for.

But we managed to get here pretty easily.  I would call the move "seamless".  The packing, the cleaning, the getting the house ready to rent, the actual trip here; everything was pretty easy.  (On Sunday in RS they asked if you've ever been on the receiving end of an act of service that you knew you couldn't repay.  I thought about all the people that just helped us with our move.  Even though we couldn't repay the favor, they watched my kids, cleaned my house, packed boxes, loaded a truck, and helped us on our way.  Man, I miss my AZ "family".)

(definitely the hardest goodbye. my sister's kids on the morning we drove out of town.

saying goodbye to our little house was a close second.)

 

We're here now and getting settled.  Parker was in school 4 days before they took a whole week off for Thanksgiving.  He surprised me with how brave he was on his first day.  Considering the only thing he didn't want to leave in Arizona were his kindergarten friends, he did great opening himself up to new friends.   Ben has finally stopped asking to "go home" and complaining "no like Texas house".  His sleep is looking better, but we've still got a ways to go in getting him back to fully potty trained.  Mark says his only regret in life is not being born Texan.  So that sums up his experience so far. I think I still feel like I'm in the twilight zone and haven't quite made sense of my place or what I'm doing here yet.  Odd feeling, but trying to roll with it.

That was not fun

Kindergarten registration started this morning at 9:00.  I got to the school at 9:15 and there was a crowd. As I feverishly filled out the paperwork (and scoped out the other Moms around me to make sure I was going faster) I overheard registration packets being denied because the parents hadn't done a tour.  Phew.  Now Parker's only #4 on the wait list.  I finished the paperwork 40 minutes after registration opened and both Kinder classrooms were full.  Add in the fact that I'm only willing to send him if he gets the teacher I requested; and I'm pretty sure I need a plan B. Picking out one school was hard enough.  Another one?  That sounds impossible.

If you don't live in Arizona, you may thin I'm crazy picky.  But no.  No one here sends their kids to the neighborhood school.  All my friends send their kids to different schools.  In general, you just can't trust schools here; so you have to hunt for what you think will be good for your kid.

All this work for a kid who doesn't even want to go to school.  He's in Pre-K, and while he likes going, he's catching onto the fact that he's going to be in school for a long time.

With a very exasperated tone he asks me, "How long will I be in school?"

I tell him, "At least until you're 18.  But then you can go to college and learn how to do whatever job you want."

And than he asked a question that hurt my heart, "What job can I do without going to college?"  (zinger) So, now he tells people, "I'm going to be a firefighter because I don't want to go to college."  (Although sometimes he mixes up the words "college" and "Chicago"- and people are quite confused.)

He doesn't want to go on a mission either because that sounds "booooooring".  Daddy's job sounds "booooooring" too.  Amen Parker.  Amen.

It's hard to believe he'll be in elementary school.  That sounds so old.  Today he didn't want me to walk him into preschool.  I'm taking that as a sign that he's ready.  He's definitely more ready than I am.  My heart aches when he's preschool a few hours a day.  How will I do eight hours every day?!

(Parker and his BFF hanging out after preschool.)

 

 

Random comment Parker made- He put the hood of his jacket on his head and said, "I better put this on so my hairs on my head don't get cold." 

 

He's also been telling us he wants "long Rapunzel hair".  Which isn't true at all.  He shuns everything girl.  He won't even walk down the girl toy aisles at Target because, "ewww that's for girls."  But this is why his hair is mighty shaggy. 

Ready for 2013

Here are some of my goals for the new year.  I decided to put them here because I'm interested to see what tidbits of information or resources you might have to help my reach my goals.

My number one, most top priority goal is to figure out where Parker will go to kindergarten.  I could do an entire blog post about the headache this has been.  I am so ready to be done.  I've thought about it and stressed over it for months now.  I've been researching everything.  But I've been so discouraged that I haven't actually visited any schools.  I've been hoping that either; one, the right school would just fall in my lap.  Or two, we'd move!  Move to a state that isn't consistently rated worst for education in the nation.

Second priority, update the will.  Why do I procrastinate something so important? 

Then there's my goal to eliminate our use of paper towels and Ziploc bags.  Mark is in opposition.  So I guess my goal should be to get Mark to like the idea of eliminating our use of paper towels and Ziploc bags.

Get pregnant!  Again, going to take some coercion to convince Mark this is a good idea.

I also want to work on cleaning my bathrooms two times a week.  With boys, once a week just isn't enough.

And I also need to figure out what I'm doing with me.  I've felt terribly lost since I quit my job and am wondering what I can do to get Christy back.  Where did she go?

And of course I have the usuals... read more, less time on the phone, more date nights, etc.

Thoughts?  Insights?  Pearls of wisdom I didn't consider?

It's about to get real in here

About a month ago I was helping my sister plan a Family Home Evening on how to keep her children safe.  She had received a letter stating that a sexual predator in her community had been hiding out in bathrooms at public parks.  Parents were encouraged to accompany their children.

Since then, I have had three conversations with friends where in one way or another childhood sexual abuse was brought up.  None of them had thought to talk to their kids about it.  I feel like with my knowledge and experience I'm being pushed to share.

I am what you might call hyper vigilant regarding my own kids and this topic.  EVERY TIME Parker is out of my care for any amount of time, I ask him a series of questions.

Did anyone touch your penis?
Did they touch your booty?
Did they show you their penis?
Did they ask you touch their body?
Did they offer to give you a bath?
Did anyone watch you go potty?
Did anyone show you pictures or ask you to watch movies of other people's bodies?

And then I ask him, the same questions about his little brother.

Obviously, I trust the people that I leave my kids in the care of.  If I thought something was going to happen, I wouldn't leave them there.  I don't ask because I think it happened, I ask because I want him to know that I care if it did.  I've asked him after he's spent time with his grandparents, even when I leave them with his own Dad, I ask.  He knows that I want to know.

Most perpetrators tell kids things like:

 "If you tell your Mom, she is going to blame you and you'll be in trouble."
"This is our little secret."
"If you tell, I'll kill your brother (or I'll kill you)." 

I know the expression on Parker's face when he says, "no, no one touched me".  I know the look in his eyes, I know his body language.  If he's lying, I'm going to know it.

This is also why we don't keep secrets in our house.  We have "surprises" but not secrets. For example,  Daddy's birthday present is a surprise, not a secret.  I tell Parker, if someone tells you a secret, you better tell me.

93% of childhood sexual abuse victims know the perpetrator.  That means only 7% of the time it's that "chester molester" in the public bathroom.  It's usually someone who has frequent contact with your children.

As many as ONE in THREE girls are sexualized in childhood.  And as many as ONE in SEVEN boys.  It is all around you.  Do not teach your kids that their genitals are a "pee pee" or "hoo ha".  Childhood sexual predators are so hard to prosecute because kids are not good witnesses.  Terms like "va j j" are ambiguous in a courtroom. Kids need to be able to describe in anatomically correct terms what happened.  Parker knows that he has a penis and an anus.  He knows that I have a vagina, an anus, and breasts.  He learned those terms when he was a little bitty toddler learning where his nose was.

Statistics show that REPORTED childhood sexual abuse has dropped 30% in the last 5 years or so.  I can guarantee to you that this does not mean childhood sexual abuse has dropped by 30%.  This means people are not reporting.  Laws and punishments have gotten really tough for sexual predators.  Because 93% of childhood sexual abuse occurs with someone you're close to, parents, teachers, etc. are choosing not to turn in the perpetrators.  This has devastating effects on the child.

The single most protective outcome for kids who have been sexualized, is the reaction they receive when they tell someone.  Kids who have parents who believe them and take action are ridiculously more resilient to the abuse.  Kids who have parents who don't believe them, or who believe them but still don't take action, are taught that their bodies and their safety, do not matter.  Inevitably, these are the kids who are promiscuous teens that struggle with addictions.

I know this is heavy, but I want people to be informed.  Keep your kids safe.  Teach them how to respond if a friend shares with them that they have been sexualized.

Thirty, Flirty, and Thriving

I have long shared the sentiments of Jenna Rink in the movie 13 going on 30- "Thirty, Flirty, and Thriving". That's me. I've looked forward to 30 since I was about 25.  I hated turning 25.  It felt like a lame in between age. So I'd just round up and tell strangers I was 30. 

I've been looking forward to 30 because  I don't feel like what I've been doing in life has matched my age.  Most people guess that I'm older than I am.  Especially in my professional life.  Just a few weeks ago someone said, "What, you're 36, 37?"  I've gotten gasps and stares when people find out how young I am.  People couldn't believe that I had two kids, a masters degree, been married for years and have the career experience that I have.  (It's interesting now that I'm staying home though because most people I'm around have young kids, like me, but are younger than me.  So in that aspect, I feel like the old maid.)

I have a feeling 40 is going to be hard for me.  I've built my 30's up big time. In my head it's all glamourous... it's mostly about having more time and money.  Kids are older, little bit more independent.  No college tuition, getting rid of those student loans.  Time to travel, explore, take on new adventures.  And enjoy the best of life before your kids get to too old and don't want to be with you and your own health starts slipping.  It's going to be hard to say good bye to 30.

Here are ten things about me that prove I'm 30 years old.  Most of these are things I never understood as a kid but I do now.

-I understand what "too sweet" means.

-Plain potato chips ARE better than Doritos.

-Gum is nothing but a nuisance.

-I prefer to drive in silence because the radio is too much noise.

-It's bothersome to have the dome light on while driving.

-I talk to myself.

-Getting off the floor is a little more work than it used to be.

-Sassy shoes really aren't worth it.  Tennis shoes are more comfortable.

-I see the point in having a budget.  (don't tell Mark)

-The cost to see a movie IS outrageous.

I can definitely see how I'm turning into my Mom.  Most of these things remind me of her.  (Love ya Mom!)

This one

(photo by Breanne, May 2012)

 

When Parker was a baby/toddler, I was worried that the world was going to pass him by and he wouldn't even notice.  He's got so much personality now, that I can laugh at myself for even thinking that.  He went from super relaxed and easy going to having a head full of ideas and opinions that he wants to see carried out.  He's not lacking in confidence, which really makes him one of the coolest four year olds I know (in my very biased opinion).

 

He's loving preschool and seems happier throughout the whole day.  I think he enjoys a challenge and is feeling accomplished.  Although if you ask him what he did at school he'll say, "We just did nothing".  He loves his teacher, and thanks Heavenly Father for her every night.  She's so sweet, I love her too. 

 

On his first day, I was reminding him that his teacher, "Ms. Kippie", is the boss (because he tends to think he's in charge).  And when the assistant teacher gave him an instruction, he said, "My Mom says Ms. Kippie is the boss, and I only have to listen to Ms. Kippie, not you". 

 

Wow.

Confidence: got it

Respect: need some polish

 

As far as I can tell they've worked that little wrinkle out, but he finds way to exert control.  This week they had color themes for each day, and the kids were supposed to wear the color of the day.  Each morning Parker asks me, "What color is it today?"  If I say blue, he pulls out a red shirt.  That's how he rolls. 

 

His confidence worked for him a week or two ago when he gave his first primary talk.  He walked up to the podium like he owned it.  He was talking about things you should and shouldn't do on the Sabbath, and man he was preaching a sermon.  "We do NOT go to the movies on Sunday..."  I couldn't help but laugh, kid had conviction.

 

That same day, his primary teacher told me he said the closing prayer and he thanked Heavenly Father for the zoo, and then preceded to bless every zoo animal he could think of.  We ate dinner at April's house tonight (Mark's out of town again) and instead of blessing the food, he blessed "the zoo that is so hot".  Kid loves the zoo.  (I got him his first magazine subscription today.  "Zootles" - $10 groupon, check it out.  He's gonna love it!)

 

Right now, his biggest pet peeve (besides his brother) is litter.  When he sees trash on the ground he has a huge reaction and wants to know WHO committed such an injustice.  I love it.  I hope he never lets any injustice happen right before his eye.

 

I get it when people say they wish time would stand still, but I am honestly excited to see what is in the future for this kid.  He's got big potentional.  I want to know what he spends his time on in high school, what he majors in, what his career will be.  But that's me... always looking ahead.  For now, we need to be working on a little respect and friendliness.

Surviving Summer- Dorff Family Style (aka iphone picture dump)

First of all, three cheers to me!  This is my first time ever uploading any pictures, from any device, to the computer.  Mark's in Denver for work, so I had no choice but to figure this out.  And I hate to admit... it's as easy as he said it was.  (Does anyone else use their husband as a crutch?) 

I made myself a promise that I wouldn't complain about the heat and I would enjoy summer, so that on Parker's first day of preschool I wouldn't look back and wish I could do it over again.  Most days I'm at least complaining in my head.  Every afternoon I think, "Why do people live in the desert!  This isn't natural!"  And I understand that 95 and humid is hot.  But so is 120 and dry.  So don't tell me, "But it's a dry heat!"  I'd prefer some humidity- my hair and skin would be feeling a lot better right now.  But I'm not complaining.

We took a trip to California about a month ago- it was awesome!  Some cool weather and time with family will totally rejuvinate you! (I hope to do a post on that trip soon.)

So when we're not longing for another beach vacation here's what we're doing:

Frequent trips to Target, where an ICEE has become a necessity.

We got a membership to the Arizona Museum for Youth.  We go there maybe... biweekly.  Certainly enough to get our moneys worth.  We still have our zoo membership and I miss using it!  We went to the zoo every week, sometimes twice a week when the weather was nice.  I'm sad that Parker will be in preschool by the time I can start taking advantage of the zoo again.  He loves that place, and would go everyday if he could.

 Baby speedos! 

 Seriously, take that shirt off and you've got the cutest sight ever!  Wish I had a pic for ya.  But this one's pretty good. 

We do this never, except that one time.  Oven = cruel and unusual punishment.

For the 4th we went on a staycation and stayed at a small resort on the west side.  I thought it would be fun to see what their is to do out there.  Turns out, there is nothing to do.  It's okay, the resort had some really nice pools, and we couldn't get the kids out of them.  They especially loved the zero entry.  And Parker thought he was pretty cool "surfing".

Someone had a birthday!

Parker's impressed that Mark got all 29 candles. #priceless

Mark spent his birthday at work, came home, opened a present, didn't even eat a cupcake, then spent the night working on his car that broke down two days before. #sadtruestories

This is what we've been doing the most:

 Swimming with the cousins! 

 I'm pretty sure I would die without access to a swimming pool.  We go out at least 4 times a week.  And my sister has been coming up from Maricopa a lot.  Autumn, Weston, and Parker are all in swim lessons and it's been so fun to watch them become confident in the water.  They're so proud of themselves!

Check out these 2 bathing beautys: 

They're 3 months apart and ridicously cute and fun to watch together.

We've also had a good number of play dates, gone to the movies a couple times, bowling, the library, etc.  Turns out there's enough out there to go ahead and make your summer pretty enjoyable.

Here's one last picture for ya:

Keep it cool out there y'all!

Who puts their kids in white pajamas on a camping trip anyway?

I am by no means an avid camper. I plan an annual camping trip out of a feeling of obligation.  I feel like that's what you're supposed to do... take your family camping at least once a summer.  Plus, if you're going to store all that you gear, in your tiny 1,000 square foot house, you might as well use it.

So we went for our obligatory camping trip, and I surprised myself when all weekend long I kept saying, "This is so much fun.  I can't believe how awesome this is."  And on and on and on.

Even Parker, when we first got to the camp site, was very concerned and kept asking "What are we going to do?" 

"Just play outside, look at the trees, go for walks." 

"Yeah, but... what are we going to do?"

Round and round we went.

He loosened up. 

We were up at the rim campground which was amazing.  We haven't camped there before, but definitely will again.  It wasn't crowded, the campsites are spaced far apart, and all the campsites back up to the beautiful forest.  There was ample room for our dog and our kids to roam without worry they'd be trudging thru someone's campsite.  We spent a lot of time walking thru the pine forest and Parker would lay on his belly and find the tiniest creatures; he could watch them all day.  The highlight for him was finding an "iguana".  Which was acutally some small horned lizardy frog looking thing.

The weather was beautiful, the perfect amount of chill in the morning.  (Everyone in Phoenix was being urged to stay indoors for the weekend due to the heat.  Glad we escaped that.)

Something else I enjoyed but (thankfully) don't have pictures of, was teaching Parker how to roll down hills.  He very cautisouly answered, "uh...... no" when I asked him if he wanted to roll down a hill with me.  But he's a believer now.  He gets it. 

His favorite thing was the lake.  He kept referring to it as a pool though, and asked who was going to "take all the grass out of the pool".  Kid needs to get out more.

Our dog loves, loves, loves water.  And he was quite the champ.  Parker would throw those sticks far and in the middle of marsh and he'd go after it.  Never once did he not come back with it.  Both boys got a kick out of it.  And then back at the campsite the dog didn't move the rest of the night, he is 6 years old.  He's no young pup anymore.  I think this may have been the first realization for him.

I know what you're thinking...

"You have a dog?"  Everyone is always surprised to hear we have a dog.  Yes.  His name is Cannon, we've had him 6 years, and he's just about the perfect pet.  Seriously.  Couldn't ask for a better dog.

So, I'm wanting to go camping again this summer.  (Surprisng myself over here.)  Anyone wanna go with us?  This time I will pack old clothes, more socks, butter, and pajamas that are not white.

Ready for Summer

Mark and I got married in June, and I was marginally concerned about my guests and the heat (since everyone was coming from out of state)  We got married the 2nd week of June and I remember being excited that we hadn't hit 100 degrees yet that summer.  So now that's my "marker"; if we hit 100 degrees before June 10th, I panic about what a miserable summer we're in for.

We must be in for a miserable summer since we hit 100 degrees in April.

It is hot outside.

But I'm surprisingly excited for summer.  Mark says I need to get a hobby because I have 4 or 5 little vacations planned for us.  (I even started planning vacations that are as far away as 2.5 years! I should've been a travel agent.) 

I'm also excited not to be working!  And to be able to have lazy days by the pool. I signed up for playgroups, museum meberships, bowling passes, movie passes, whatever cheap indoor entertainment I could find.

My Mom was in town last week.  She comes out every few months, but this was the first time since I became a stay at home mom, so it was the first time I was able to really host and entertain while she was here. It was a great way to kick off the summer. We kept her pretty busy; she was a good sport. (Even at 6:45 in the morning when we woke her up to go get doughnuts.)

While the Cat's Away the Mice will Play

Cat = Mark

Away = Three day business trip to Indianapolis

Mice = Me, Parker, and Ben

Play = pretending to be on our own vacation- no cooking, no cleaning, no budget

My game plan of going into three days of single parenthood was to pretend we were on vacation and stay out of the house as much as possible. It worked. Mark comes home tonight, and while I missed him, I didn't go crazy like I thought I might.

I pretty much let Parker direct the activities and gave him choices of what we could do. And Ben was along for the ride.

Hanging out with good ole' Chuck E. (Chuck E Cheese is the biggest waste of money ever if you ask me.)

Arizona Museum of Natural History. Parker loved it and has been there a few times before. But I'd actually never been. I want to go back without kids so that I can actually learn and read something. Parker just kept flying thru the place wanting to find the next dinosaur. It flustered me.

Ben's first splash pad experience. He was slow to warm up, but got into it. Parker was running around like a maniac. I couldn't get a picture.

On the way to the splash pad Ben was jibbering and jabbering in the back seat. And when I stopped at a red light Parker says to Ben, "Ben, do you see that red light? That means you have to stop. Now stop talking."

We went to Chick-fil-A one day and In-n-Out the next. Parker told me he wanted to go to In-n-Out by telling me he wanted to go the place that had "chocolate showmakes with green beach trees in them". I felt like a detective trying to figure that one out. But their cups have green palm trees on the outside. How does he know palm trees are on the beach? We have them around here and there's certainly no beach around. We sat outside at In-n-out and Parker decided to "water" the bushes while I was turned away cleaning up Ben. Luckily, everyone laughed and we didn't get asked to leave or cited!

We also went to the zoo, but we're there all the time. Didn't warrant a special picture.

Mark usually gets home from work at 4:00. The first day Mark was gone, at 4:00 on the dot Parker asked where Dad was. I reminded him where he was and how long he would be gone. And Parker said, "No. Dad has to come home and push the buttons that go beep, beep, beep, and then open the door." I guess I never realized that the beep beep beep of the buttons on our keyless entry are the cue for Dad being home. But now I'm just sitting here anxiously waiting for the beep beep beep.

Turns out nothing is mundane

(this was Christmas morning)

I often use the word "mundane" to describe the tasks of stay at home mommyhood. I realized today that there is nothing mundane about my life.

In sacrament meeting Ben was toddling back and forth between us and an older gentlemen's walker. He'd scope it out, touch it, and giggle his way back to our pew. The next thing I know I look over and Ben's hanging like a monkey off the walker.

I also got to hold him while he slept during the last hour of church. That's a rare treat that's really never happened. Primary has kept me from attending to those morning naps on Sunday.

At dinner, Parker suggested we go visit his sunbeams teacher who has been out for 2 weeks. He suspects she's at home resting and thinks she needs our help to rest.

Parker spent about an hour tonight pretending to be Tarzan jumping and twirling around in nothin but his skivvies.

But he wasn't the only one... during FHE Mark asked me if I had "something to hide" because I was the only one wearing more than my skivvies.

During the closing prayer Parker thanked Heavenly Father "for having a mommy and daddy in his house" and asked Heavely Father if he could "go play at Braxton's house".

Ben joined in on our activity of Ring Around the Rosie and giggled non stop when we all fell down. He would take the opportunity to maul us while we were all down; the boy loves to wrestle.

Today, by any other account, was just a regular ole Sunday. No special dinners or occassions, but all these little things are adding up to a day straight from heaven. The 3 handsome gentlemen in the picture above keep my life from being anything but mundane.

Enquiring minds want to know...

I'm lucky that I have so many supportive people around me that are willing to listen. I'm definitely a person that has to process my thoughts outloud (I can never come to decisive conclusion in my head). So each time I get asked about my adjustment to being a stay at home Mom I learn a little bit more about myself.

The simple answer is, I'm enjoying it. I love the amount of time I'm spending with my kids. I love all the ways I'm able to serve my family (and friends) that I wasn't really able to before. I feel like there's a lot more peace in our home. Things are just simple now, and seem to make sense. Surprisingly, (I mean AMAZINGLY) I don't miss my job too terribly much.

(the old office)

So even though I'm happy, and the family is happy- it's still an evolutionary process. Being a Mom is hard (that's a generic understatement, I know.) I've decided that the reason it's so hard is because it requires such a high level of emotional investment.

A month ago, I was split in half. I had this half of me that gave me a sense of accomplishment. I will (not so humbly) admit, that I was good at my job. I was effective, I received a lot of praise, and I was respected. That assurance carried me... pretty much all of me.

Now, all I have to focus on is my parenting. I feel very one dimensional and I've become my own worst enemy. I am constantly mulling over mundane decisions about what the best parent would do... what's the best response, the best defense, the best way to teach, and what I spend the most time freighting over is what's the best use of our time (I'm constantly worried about missed opportunities that are passing me by.) And I'm driving myself crazy! I attribute every tear, tantrum, and misbehavior to my parenting.

I feel a bit like a fish out of water. Which is surprising to me; something I didn't expect considering I'm not new to being a Mom- just new to having it be my only identity. I've received so much training that I know all the textbook answers but I'm missing something. I can't put a word to what it is I'm missing; although I wish I could. It's the part of you that can just let go and do it! Just do it. That's what I need to do. I need to stop thinking about how my kid will be emotionally effected in the long term over how I enforce the rules of High Ho Cherry-o. I need to stop trying to measure my success and stop looking for ways to check off boxes of accomplishment.

As always, easier said than done. I'm open to any feedback, advice, perspectives you have! Please tell me I'm not alone!

Leap of faith that feels more like a cliff jump of terror

I started working for the Healthy Families program six and a half years ago. A newlywed who had just graduated with my bachelors in social work- I was young and naive and ready to save the world one family at a time.


Working for Healthy Families has fulfilled me more than I ever could've known. I like to think I've grown up while working there. I finished grad school, had 2 babies, and entered management during my tenure but what helped me grow the most was the persepctive on life and family that I gained. I've been humbled and taught true gratitude from walking into the homes of so many different families.


I considered myself a "Healthy Families Lifer" and thought I'd be there forever. I knew it took me away from my own family, but found solice in knowing I was helping other families. I believe I was placed in the lives of specific families because we had something to offer each other at that time.


But I've had a nagging feeling that I've tried to shake and just can't. The feeling that it's someone else's turn; someone else should be doing the work I'm doing -and that I am needed somewhere else.

After many sleepless nights, I've resigned my position and will be trying something new. Something that I'm hoping will offer even more fulfillment, although admittedly, I'm not sure it will. But I do know it will have a lasting and far reaching impact. I'm committing myself to my home, to the husband who's starting grad school, and to the 2 little boys that need me most.

I'm less afraid of being a stay at home Mom, and more afraid of losing my identity. I'm not just leaving a job; I'm leaving ME. My biggest struggle is going to be rearranging- figuring out how else to identify myself.

I can't think of too many other times where I've simultaneously experienced so much fear and so much excitment. I avoided making this decision for a long time based on fear. But now, excitement wins out most of the time.

I'm excited to teach my children and want to try to experience life from their perspective.

I hope to strengthen friendships. Be available. Offer service.

It's going to be a journey, we'll see how it ends.

This is how we Christmas

Kicking off the Christmas Season for us was Parker's Holiday Program at preschool:

That's our Parker- refusing to participate. He sat in that chair and looked around as if he had no idea what was going on. Everyone oohed and awed over him thinking he must be shy. (We got Parker's teachers some Sees Candies for Christmas and when he gave the boxes to them he said, "Merry Christmas! Will you share with me?" Yeah, not so shy.

So far, the most exciting part of Christmas for Parker has been the Christmas tree. He ran around the Christmas tree lot pointing at every tree saying, "I want that one! I want that one!"

I wish I could capture in a bottle the look of awe and amazement when we turned the lights on the tree. He helped me put the lights on, and I don't know what he thought was going to happen, but when we turned them on he was stunned! When I tucked him into bed that night, in the sweetest little voice imagineable, he says to me, "Thanks for putting the lights on the tree Mom." I cried and realized that this would probably be the best Christmas ever.

We went to Zoo Lights, which has really improved the last few years.

Parker says, "I'm ready for the snow!" (It's a good thing we won't be around any snow for Christmas.)

And there were a few things we did that I didn't have pictures of. We went and delivered some Christmas goodies. (Which Parker LOVED. When someone opened the door he would scream "Merry Christmas", shove them the plate, and then run into their house. The last few days he's also required that any little snack I give him be on a Christmas plate and that I say, "Merry Christmas" when I hand it to him.) Mark and I went and saw A Christmas Carol at Hale Theatre; LOVED it. My Mom came into town and celebrated Christmas with me and my sister. We had a traditional Ardis Christmas Eve Party.

I also got a traffic ticket which was really exciting. There's a lot of other things to do with $200 right before Christmas.

I feel like we've experienced a lot of Christmas and it isn't even here yet. But it is time! Time to pack up the presents and hit the road! We're spending Christmas with my in-laws this year!

Our recipe for a no fuss Thanksgiving

Low key. That's how we roll over here. Thanksgiving was the 4 of us this year, so we lounged around, took naps, and when we got hungry had a turkey dinner with about 150 people (that we don't know) at Cracker Barrel.

After dinner, we went to golfland where Parker played miniature golf for the first time. I'm surprised it's taken us this long to take him. Mark and I did this all the time in our pre-kid years.

I lasted about 8 holes. I couldn't exactly see the ball. We were the only ones out there, so there was no embarassment to be had when Parker started climbing and jumping all over everything. He made it through about 12 holes before he lost interest.

Golfland has a "Winter Wonderland" course that's all decked out with Christmas decorations. Not holiday decorations, Christmas decorations. I enjoyed it, I was just surprised. Anything religious is usually shunned from business. They even had a nativity.

I really enjoyed Thanksgiving this year. It doesn't get more relaxing than that. Next year though! That'll be my year! I vow to cook my first Thanksgiving dinner. Bring on the stress and the expense of Thanksgiving dinner.

Sooo Original

We put so much thought and effort into our boys' costumes this year, I can't belive it's taken me nearly a month to post a picture.

Two Buzz Lightyears... they were only 2 of the dozen or so at the trunk-or-treat.

While these costumes reflect mine and Mark's enthusiasm about the holiday, Parker was excited beyond excited. He wore his costume every day leading up to Halloween and insisted that his brother put on his Buzz costume as well.

So while they may not have been the most original, it sure was fun because Parker's chronic Buzz lightyear impersonations were priceless. (Until he got to preschool and Buzz Lightyear, Spiderman, Ironman, and Thomas the train (???) all started showing their super hero powers that included beating each other up.) You couldn't help but feel why dressing up is so exciting to little kids.

Camping in Pinetop?

I think it was Pinetop, I can't remember. I can hardly remember what we were there for. Some sort of training for scout leaders in the stake... or something. (I just turned 29. Might as well be 79. I can remember nothing. If you want to see me confused just start a sentence with, "Remember when...")

So a while ago we went camping. Our first camping trip as a family of 4. As I look at my attempt to document the occasion, I only notice that every picture has something slightly humerous about it.

Like, how in Parker's excitement to pee on trees he forgot to be obscure about it.

Or how in the kickball game, even with a runner on base, the third baseman is sitting on the base.

And this one! Do I even need to point it out to you? Look at the size of that melon! This angle is not working for you, Ben. This one's just screaming for a caption that I can't come up with. Broken pencil, hands in the pockets, muddy shoes... what is it?

This is Parker

He's into dressing himself right now. It's sooo fun.

But in reality, if he's got clothes on. Than we're doing good. Kid is quite the streaker.

Sometimes I call him "King of the Obvious". It starts when he gets up in the morning, when he exclaims "Parker's awake!" Then, "Parker's hungry. Parker's gonna eat breakfast. Parker's eating toast. Mommy's eating eggs. Ben doesn't have any teeth." He'll pretty much narrate your day for you.

He's gauranteed to start every conversation with, "Hi. I'm Parker." Even if you know him, and he knows you.

Ask him something he doesn't want to answer like, "Why is Ben crying?" and all his comprehension skills disappear. "Huh?" ask again "Huh? What?" And then when he finally gets around to telling you he's super nonchalant, "I stomped on Ben's back."

He can also lose his ability to comprehend when you ask him to do something. It's either, "huh?" or "Parker's sick."

And we're going on about month 9 of him referring to his father as "Mark". Everyone said, "Yeah, my kids went thru that phase." Did it last 9+ months?

I think this kid is the bomb! He makes for great company! I'm sad that we're creeping up on 3.5. My favorite age is slipping away.

(Another example of King of the Obvious: we went to the Dr on Tuesday and he got a shot in his arm. When the nurse put the needle in he just looked at her and yelled, "That hurts! That hurts Parker's arm!" And then when we passed her in the hall on the way out he's like, "You hurt my shoulder!" Maybe you had to be there, but it was really funny at the time.)

This is Ben

He's 6 months old. And probably one of the smiliest babies you've ever met. Unless, he's mad. Then he could probably be the maddest baby you've ever met. (Confusing? Yeah, I know. Funny how the same baby that is so easy to get to smile, is so easy to tick off.)


About a month ago he learned to sit.


And then the next day he started to do what we call the "crawl and lunge".

See the scooting of the knees below:

And then when the arms aren't cooridinated to move with the knees you lunge:

It's working for him. He gets around. Around everywhere.

And like I said, it's been about a month and those arms are showing no sign of getting on board with a coordinated crawl, so I'm thinking the crawl and lunge is here to stay.